To My Loved Ones Trying To Cure My Addiction,
I know you’re trying to help with your ideas and answers to cure my addiction. I know that you mean well by your actions. I’m grateful for you standing by me, despite everything I may have put you through. I so appreciate the support you have given through my addiction and recovery.
I also know that this disease can be hard to understand. It’s the disease that I am ashamed of; a disease that comes with misconceptions and stigma. It’s not as simple as just quitting. Recovery is something I will be working on my whole life. I wish that there were a quick fix, some sort of magic wand that could make the cravings and pain go away. I wish that I could go back and change the things that led me to this place, but I can’t. There’s no way of knowing where I would be right now had I not taken that first hit. And there’s no way of knowing where I’ll go because of the path I’ve chosen.
Recovery Is My Cure for Addiction
There is no cure for this disease. There is hard work and dedication. There is recovery, but there is not a simple cure.
I’m going to have bad days and I’m going to have good days. I’ll have days where I feel like I am on top of the world, but there will be days where the pain is unbearable. There will be days filled with quiet numbness. Days where I don’t feel anything inside and I may even feel like recovery isn’t worth the work. Maybe I will freak out at times and maybe there will be times where I don’t speak to anyone all day. I’m trying to change and change always seems to be really hard for me. But I’m no longer trying to live without the ups and downs, I’m trying to learn how to live with them. I’m learning how to manage my emotions in a better way. I want to control my life without getting high. I want to spend time with my family and see my little sister grow up. I want to go to family dinners and watch Monday night football together. I want to be able to do all of these things without feeling like the odd one out or like I’m being stared at. I don’t want to have special treatment or have anyone act like I can’t handle the same things as everyone else. I am a capable adult and I can handle myself.
I don’t want you to be afraid of me or constantly worry that I might relapse. Yes, relapse is a possibility but constant reminders of what I did in the past or potentials for relapse don’t help me to not relapse. I don’t talk about the things that I have gone through to get attention. I want to help you to understand me and what I’m going through. It’s okay to ask me questions. Asking about my addiction doesn’t make me want to go out and use.
What Can You Do To Help My Recovery?
Love me unconditionally. There should never be conditions put on love. I’m going to love you even if you make a mistake, can you do the same?
Support me even on my bad days. The bad days are the days when I really need you the most. They’re the days when recovery doesn’t feel like reality. When all I want to do is stick a needle in my arm to avoid feeling. I need you to support me on these days the most. And I don’t mean support me like give me money or buy me things, I mean really support me. Ask me how I’m doing. Ask me what I need. Even if it doesn’t seem like you’re doing much, I recognize that you see me struggling and it means more than you know.
Realize that just because I talk about my addiction doesn’t mean I’m not going to maintain my recovery. I have an addiction. It’s a part of who I am now, but that doesn’t mean that it defines me. I spent a lot of my life doing things that you probably don’t understand. When I talk to you about them it’s not to scare you. I’m talking to you because I trust you and I want to help you to understand where I’ve been.
Let Yourself Trust Me Again
I know that I’ve done so many things that have hurt you. I’ve done things that I will regret for the rest of my life, but I’m trying. I want to do better but I can only do that if you let me. It’s hard to become better when I am constantly being reminded of my mistakes and that you don’t trust me. Once trust is broken it’s hard to earn back, I get that, but I want you in my life and I’m willing to put in work to make it happen.
It would be so amazing if there was a cure for my addiction, but maybe instead of trying to find one or telling me that I “just need to get over it”, you could listen instead. Just listen to me. Maybe sit with me and listen to where I’m coming from. Put yourself in my shoes.
I want to feel safe with you. I want to be able to help you to see the darkness that has been in me and not be scared of it.
Thank you for your love and support,