Sober Now – Letter To Addiction | Lake Arrowhead Recovery Center

It can be therapeutic to write a letter to your addiction
Writing about your addiction is therapeutic. Writing a letter to your addiction can be a great emotional release

It’s known that writing is therapeutic for many individuals. Writing enables you to get in touch with your feelings, your thoughts, both good and bad. For some, including myself it is much easier to write words down on a piece of paper rather than to voice my feelings and thoughts to another person. Even though I am sober now, I still feel more comfortable writing. A letter is personal. No one else even has to know about it. Writing a letter to addiction can clear your mind of all the horrible things you have done, the people you have hurt, and the pain that you have had to bear. When you get sober or are sober now – it’s a way to get those secrets out. To clear your mind of the guilt and shame you are still carrying around.

Write your own letter to addiction. It can be long or short, doesn’t matter. Once you start to write, the words will simply flow. Writing a letter to addiction will help you better understand your addiction and why you need to choose or why you chose recovery. Writing this down will help you in your sobriety. Trust me, give it a try.

My Letter To Addiction

Addiction,

There used to be a time when you were my best friend, my lover, my partner, my higher power, my universe.

You made me think I was amazing, unstoppable, even invincible. The feeling you gave me, words will never describe.

You, addiction will be a part of me, always and forever. Isn’t that what you wanted? I will never be able to forget you.

You took me places that I never imagined. You continued to take me places that I didn’t want to go. Places where no girl should ever be.

You never took me any place nice.
Prison
Rehabs
Institutions
Hospitals
We lost our home. We had to resort to being homeless and living under a bridge. You were alright with that. Truth be told, it was what I wanted at the time too. There was no rent to pay, no bills, no worry of being evicted. We didn’t have to share our dope.

Of course, we had no food, electricity, showers, or the essentials required for living. I couldn’t take it anymore but, you were satisfied. We had our drugs. That’s all we needed at the time.

Together, you and I. That’s it, no one else. Any other person that made their way into our life was nothing more than a simple pawn. A person to supply us with what we needed.

I lost my friends, my family. I even gave up my children for you. My children? Little babies that needed their mother but, I chose you. Still, for you, that was not enough,

I tried to break up with you, time and time again but, each time I failed miserably. I always came right back and there you were. Waiting with open arms and that devilish grin.

As time went on, it was clear to see what you really were. A narcissist that had complete power and absolute control over me. You were convincing, I give you that. I felt as if I was nothing. You were all I had so, I obeyed your every command. I listened to every thought you put in my head. Even though my insides trembled everytime I fulfilled a request.

You had me lie, steal, manipulate others, sell my body, and do everything and anything to get what it was we wanted. To get the thing I desired most. The thing that kept us alive and kept me glued to you. The drugs.

Thankfully, after what seemed like a lifetime, I finally awoke from my drug induced slumber. Although it seemed impossible to do, I did it. I left. I finally left you behind and moved on.

Now, I have a new life with recovery. I am clean and sober now. I spend all my time with recovery and learning how to cope without using drugs.

Yet, still, you will not leave me alone. How come every time I decide to move on, you can’t stand it? Addiction, you have so many other relationships. You have numerous people that will never leave your side. Why can’t you just leave me be?

Even though I am sober now, you are still lingering in the back of my mind, in my thoughts, in my dreams, and I wake up screaming at night with nightmares of you.

They told me you would never leave easily. Everyone who helps me or has been in a relationship with you has told me how hard it is to permanently walk away. They are right.

I will be fighting for the rest of my life not to take you back. I will be fighting for my new life in recovery because it is that much better being sober now. My relationships are now healthy, my children need me, I am beginning a career, I am healing and I am happy. I’ve been able to truly embrace life without you. Sober is better. Living a life in recovery is remarkable.

You told me I didn’t deserve to live, to be happy. You said I didn’t deserve respect or love. Recovery has opened my eyes. Sober now, I am finding myself, I am able to discover who I truly am. He shows me that I deserve to be happy and to have it all.

I do love you and a part of me always will. That is why I can never say hello or see how you are doing. Right now, I am not strong enough to see you nor do I want to. In fact, I will stay away from you forever.

The relationship we shared was not love. It was not one of mutual respect and understanding. I never want to go back to living like that again.

I am sober now, living my life, and working a program of recovery. It is where I should be. The only regret I have is that it took me so long to get here.

This is goodbye and I pray that you stop and quit moving on to the next individual. Don’t make anyone else suffer as you did to me.

Addiction you are a disease. All that’s left to say is never again, never again will I go back to you.

Signed,
Moved On

This is the first letter to addiction I wrote. I wrote it as a breakup letter. Think about it. Your drug addiction is your other half. It never leaves your side. When I decided to get clean and work the program, I broke up with my addiction and chose to live sober in recovery. That is only one way to view it. You can write your letter any way you choose. Have you started writing your letter to addiction? I promise it will not only ease your mind of the lingering thoughts you have but, writing this letter is also a major step in working on your own recovery. You are headed in the right direction. Keep up the good work and don’t give up now. The miracle is happening.

When Recovery Hits Rock Bottom | Lake Arrowhead Recovery Center

 

Hitting Rock Bottom In Addiction Recovery
When I hit rock-bottom in recovery, it’s worth the climb to get back up.

I hate this feeling. I hate hating myself. I hate the hopeless, helpless, nothingness that consumes me. I want to scream and cry and give up all at once. This is my rock bottom in recovery. This is the part of me that I don’t let anyone see. The part that I hide with eye-drop filled bright eyes and forced laughter I can only feel in my cheeks. It’s the part of me that sits in front of the mirror, sometimes for hours, wondering why my nose is so perky; my arms so short; my thoughts so fast that my body can’t possibly keep up. I keep doing it – keep picking out every little flaw and realize that somehow, I became this person that is disgusted with my own image. I look away with utter disdain and use all my energy to forget it – ignore all of it for as long as possible; bury it and bury it and put that squinty smile out there until eventually I feel the pressure coming from inside. It’s like I can’t ignore it anymore. I begin to ignore any progress I’ve made in the days and weeks of therapy, sweating away at the gym, slaving over my work, and can’t help but think of the miles and miles of work to do – how far I still have to go to get even close to where I want to be. Where do I even want to be? Just when I think I can’t stand feeling like this anymore, it seems like I come right back to it. My sweet boyfriend tries to make me feel better. He hugs me and brings me my favorite flavor of ice cream, but this isn’t same-day surgery and ice-cream isn’t a quick suture. I don’t get to put a bandage over it and pretend that the wound isn’t there.

What Does Rock-Bottom Look Like?

It’s different for everyone and for some it doesn’t even happen. What does yours look like? Some people hide it like I do – I don’t even see the crash coming. Maybe it looks different from yours. Maybe your rock-bottom can be seen from a great distance away, more like a meteor! I’ve been there, too.  Hitting rock-bottom once doesn’t mean that you will be there again. There may be moments in life where we find ourselves slowly sinking. Maybe we don’t sink as low as last time, maybe we sink lower – it’s a term we are used to hearing and the meaning is ours alone – not what anyone else gives to it.

climbing Back From Rock Bottom In Recovery
In addiction recovery, I am climbing for my life, but there is always light above. I need only look up.

Climbing For My Life

So, what pulls me out? What makes me want to wake up the next day, drag myself out of bed, and continue with life? I am blessed because I have so many reasons to keep climbing. It’s difficult to pull up out of the darkness because of just one thing, so I rely on many things that I control and they don’t depend on anyone else. It requires a list of things and this is mine.

  • Hope. The sun will always come out. I can always hope for a brighter day, it might not come tomorrow or the next day but it will come eventually. It has to, that’s just the way life works. There’s always darkness before there’s light. Hope for better days, hope for better circumstances, hope for better feelings. I fully believe that we influence our destiny. You become what you think so if you’re thinking of brighter things they will eventually come to be.
  • Passion. Find something that you care about and submerge yourself in it for a bit. Spend time doing something that makes you feel good, something that can make you feel better. Get lost in the process of finding a passion. Try different things and figure out something that you can embrace.
  • Take care of yourself. I know you’ve heard it before, eat healthy and exercise. Really it helps though. Spend an hour per day focusing on your health and letting go of some stress. Maybe exercising isn’t your thing. Do yoga, go for a walk, take a bath. Spend time rejuvenating yourself. Make yourself a cup of coffee then sit and enjoy it. Paint your nails. Get yourself a massage. Do something that makes you feel like you matter.Learn to love yourself. This is one of the most important parts. Learn to practice self love and your world will change. You’re not always going to do things perfectly, especially when it comes to recovery, but if you love yourself it makes things a little bit easier. So how do you do this? Start by finding one thing per day that you love about yourself.
  • Learn to forgive yourself. This is another important thing. You’re going to make mistakes. It’s so much easier to love myself when I can forgive myself for the mistakes I make. We all do it though. They may be big mistakes and they may be small but dwelling on them doesn’t fix them. Apologize if needed, forgive yourself, and move on! It’s easier said than done, but the more you practice owning your mistakes and forgiving yourself the simpler it becomes.

Find things that can bring you out of those dark places. Find things that make your recovery worth the pain. There is light above – all you need to do is look up.